Circumstances...

Sometimes circumstances aren't what you want them to be. Sometimes your boyfriend leaves the country a day earlier than you thought he was. Sometimes a distant uncle passes away and your parents have to leave suddenly for a week. Or sometimes you spend seven months learning a language to write 16 love letters that will only get left behind.

Words cannot describe the depth of melancholy-ness I am experiencing this week.

Mom and Dad's trip was already set in stone. They were flying out to NorCal for a week to attend the funeral, leaving me behind to take care of Cameron, the house, and the pets. An inconvenience perhaps, but not really a big deal in the grand scheme of things. They were leaving Wednesday, and then Jake was leaving Thursday and then the rest of the week was filled in with appointments, chores, and of course the aforementioned responsibilities

Sunday night, Jake and I were discussing his trip when it came to light that he was flying out early Wednesday morning. But all along (since before April) I thought he was flying out Thursday. An extra day shouldn't make that much of a difference (you'd think) but still, a deep emptiness settled in the pit of my stomach as I tried to reset my mental calendar for an earlier goodbye and all of the emotions that would come with it.

Monday night- 1 1/2 days (not 2 1/2 days) before he left, he came back to his apartment being fumigated for termites, and he wasn't allowed access to any of his stuff. It turned out, the process would take 48 hours. They said they could comp him clothes and luggage for his trip, but it was unlikely that they would be able to get his guitar out due to tox levels. "What does that mean???" I asked. "It means I have a lot of shopping to do tomorrow." As the full ramifications sank in all I could think was, "my letters are in there!!" And that was the tip of the scale that brought on the tears.

Last year's letters

If they were ordinary letters I might not have minded so much. But these were no ordinary letters. Last year, I gave Jake a pack of letters before he left for Spain so he'd have one to open each day while he was there. I wasn't sure if I was going to do it this year, but then I got an idea that would definitely top last year's batch.

So since November, I've been secretly teaching myself French almost exclusively for the purpose of writing him 16 love letters in French (without using Google Translate). After writing multiple drafts of each letter, carefully checking all my grammar and accents, I sent my final copies off to him. They arrived in SD just fine, but that's where they'll stay for the next two weeks because of someone was antsy to get started fumigating for termites. It still makes me mad. In fact, I can't even think about it without tearing up.

I guess these beauties aren't going to France after all

I had imagined the "big reveal" (of my French language skills) so vividly and planned it all out so meticulously... And when there was a chance that I might be able to go to France with the team too, my only concern was revealing this grand secret. Not money, or time constraints, or passports, or appropriateness (though these were all factors). I panicked with my parents, "But it will mess everything up if I go to France! I planned this all out so carefully exactly how he would find out I'd taken up the French language." And despite the fact that that opportunity closed, all my planning was in vain.

My mom and I were able to brainstorm a solution that will work for now. Since I have drafts saved of each letter, I can reconstruct them and email scans of them, but obviously the desired effect will be lost and there is no guarantee that he will be able to check his email/Facebook/whatever each day. It's not ideal, but it's the best I got at this point. Especially since Jake left early this morning. Maybe it sounds stupid, but my heart legitimately hurts over this. I cannot stand the thought of so much wasted effort.