In the Black: Stats

hours spent with Jake: approx 35
pictures taken: 0
hours spent in lines: 0
food consumed: a lot
thankful for: laughter
reading: Ake: The Years of My Childhood by Wole Soyinka
brain power: 78%
NaNoWriMo: failed
learning: Psalm 19
looking forward to: listening to Christmas carols
not looking forward to: Jake leaving
highlight of the week: sharing highlights on Thanksgiving

Weekly Update:

Melissa and I usually have a tradition of Black Friday Shopping at Target (and truthfully, I do enjoy the whole "Black Friday experience") but we decided to skip it this year because neither of us had anything particularly pressing to purchase. 

Of course, I've been enjoying my time with Jake this week. Even when we've run out of things to "catch up" on, we still manage to find things to talk about. Most of our week has been spent talking, playing music, taking walks, and working on homework. It's not a bad life. I've been trying to relax, even though the homework due this weekend makes it hard. The time is passing me by too quickly. The end of the semester (and the three conference papers I have due then) will be here before I know it and I find more and more I am not ready for it. 

Tonight, I'm hanging out with the Inksanity crew for the final NaNoWriMo push before tomorrow night. I kind of failed at NaNoWriMo this year. I knew I wouldn't reach 50,000 words, but even the small goal I set for myself was too much. Oh well. Better luck next year. I've pretty much given up at this point (or to put it nicely, "realized my limitations") but tonight, I have a couple short stories to work on, so I can hang out with my friends.

Thanksgiving in Review

Some Thanksgivings, I can remember very vividly. For instance, there was the one year when the Coffins hosted and Lynsey fought Miss Jessica for the last piece of praline torte by licking the top of it. Or two years ago, when Jake was going through chemotherapy and he stole mashed potatoes off my plate; I didn't have the heart to protest because we were trying to fatten him up in preparation for chemo treatment. Or last year, when Jake regaled us with stories of "Humans vs. Zombies" on his college campus. All of my memories involve beautiful weather, playing football in the front yard, and of course, lots of food.

For some reason, this year was different. This year didn't feel like Thanksgiving, and I'm not sure why.

First thing in the morning, our family (minus Cam) walked a few laps around the park. It's one of our traditions to go for a walk before or after dinner on Thanksgiving. Pat was such a trooper! Dad even jogged with him a bit and he walked further than he has in a while!

Dad and Pat

This was by far the smoothest Thanksgiving we've had. Mom divvy-ed up the dishes so we only had to make a third of the meal and the rest was potluck style. Two turkeys, two sweet potato casseroles, one salad, and three stuffings later, we had a full-on feast on our hands!

After dinner, we took the whole crew back to the park for a little Thanksgiving football. I am proud to say I made the first touchdown! Our team won 21 to 7.

So thankful for my man!

I think it was the differences that made it not feel like Thanksgiving for me. We ate at 2pm, a few hours earlier than usual, played football at the park instead of the street, brined the turkey before roasting it. We totally forgot to go around the table saying what we were thankful for (though I'd been asking people all day)... Just little things like that. I guess at the end of the day, they added up. 

But after everyone left, Jake stayed and we were able to relax and detox a bit. Jake, Dad, and I sat on the back porch talking and playing guitar for a while. Or we were all sitting on the couch while Mom and Dad sifted through Black Friday ads. Jake and I went for a nice walk and talked about a whole bunch of different things. All things considered, it was a great day, just not exactly the feeling I expected.

Post-Thanksgiving sandwich

Jake's Musical: Act II

What is this you ask? These tiny squares lined up on a small table at Starbucks represent the entirety of Act II of Jake's musical. We sat down and planned it out together this week. Jake's been working on this project for a little over a year now. He finished Act II back in September and I helped him plot out the scenes for Act II. I think he had a good idea of what he wanted/needed to happen, but just not the details to get from point A to point B.

The musical is tentatively called, "Being Jack McGarvey" and it is about a boy who is simply misunderstood--a prodigy, an artist, a creative genius, but nobody gets him. Jack strives to make his dreams come true, in spite of oppression on every side. Conceptually, it is similar to Calvin and Hobbes, but with an angel instead.

I am so proud of all the work Jake's put into the project and very excited that I get to be part of the process of its creation. Through this little exercise, I learned that I gain a lot of energy from the brainstorming process. Something about coming up with ideas makes me feel energized and enthusiastic! Jake is hoping to finish the musical over Christmas break, after which, it will go under a workshop review at his college.

Autumn at a Glance

As autumn comes swiftly to a close, I decided to give you a pictorial representation of these last few months.

This Autumn's Highlights:

• Pumpkin Spice Latte from Starbucks
• Taking the Freshman girls up to Mt. Lemmon
• Finding a gigantic watermelon at Sunflower
• Sewing Simba blocks for a massive quilt project
• Jake's surprise visit!
• The creation of Inksanity
• Voting for the first time

Transfer Trouble: Stats

days until Jake arrives: 4
brain capacity: 60%
tiredness level: high
mood: overwhelmingly discouraged
good news: Christmas is coming!
bad news: two of my 300/400 level credits transferred at the 200 level, messing up my degree template plans.
learning: to count my blessings
highlight: started my Christmas shopping!

Weekly Update:

It's been kind of a tough week. I found out this week that two 300/400 level classes from BYU transferred into to TESC at the 200 level, thus messing up my degree template (which requires 18 credits in my area of study at the 300/400 level). I had just enough credits before, but now I am short. In addition, two of the classes I'm taking right now are also through BYU and I am worried those won't transfer at the 300 level either. All this means that I could possibly need to take 1-3 additional classes next semester if I can't get it sorted out.

When I realized this, I wanted to cry.

I have been working so so hard on this degree, I am reaching the end of my strength. "I just want to be DONE! I'm tired!" My friends and family keep telling me, "You're almost there." but it's so difficult! I'm so close, and yet I'm still a little further away. Next week, I have an appointment with my advisor to find out what I can do. At this point, I think I can appeal the evaluation and try to prove the classes are worth being at the 300/400 level. Until I talk to my advisor though, I just have to keep plugging away as there's not much else I can do.

I guess on the bright side, one of the A-s I received transferred as an A, so I still have a shot at 4.0 gpa (but that also means continuing at the same pace and standard of excellence that I have all along--an exhausting endeavor). I just hate feeling so discouraged with the holidays around the corner.

Life After Art

I recently finished Matt Appling's Life After Art: What You Forgot about Faith after You Left the Art Room. It brought back so much nostalgia for me from my elementary school days! Ever since kindergarten, I loved art; it was always my favorite time of the week. Appling repaints these elementary school memories to illustrate his points about what we've forgotten about art and faith since leaving school.

Appling argues that all children are artists, we are all naturally born to create because we are made in God's image and God is a creator. The challenge however, is to remain an artist as you become an adult. He paints a picture of the epidemic of lost creativity that pervades society and a world without beauty. We live our lives with a "good enough" mentality, forsaking excellence and embracing low standards. We limit ourselves and fear failure. But when we overcome these things, we can "remember" the lessons we forgot after we left the art room and embrace our role as creators of beauty wherever we're at in our lives.

Final Thoughts: 

I really enjoyed the book, but I felt that it was not written for me; it was written for a very specific audience--adults who don't necessarily consider themselves "artistic" or "creative" and have experienced what it is like to be in an art room or art class. I think those who have never been in an art class/room (home-schoolers primarily) would have more trouble relating to the imagery Appling draws from to illustrate his points. The creative types (like myself) who pick up the book for its title may find that they already know and practice what Appling has to say about the significance of creativity in our lives and how it relates to our faith in God. 

Artists can definitely appreciate Appling's perspective on art, beauty, and faith in this world, but for us creatives, he's very much "preaching to the choir." But I'd recommend it to other Christians who want to gain a better understanding of the role of creativity in our lives.

Image Credit: Photo by LexnGer used under a Creative Commens attribution-noncommercial license.

Tell Me Your Story: Part 1

[T]here are surprisingly few occasions--or rituals--in which people are

expected or invited to tell the story of their lives from whatever they think the

beginning is: or to tell the even odder story that is their dream. (`The Telling of

Selves' Phillips On Flirtation 1994:75)

If there's one thing you should know about me, I love stories. So when I came across this quote in my African literature class, I was captivated. Ever since I read this, I have wanted to change it. Ever since I read this, I have been dying to ask someone, What is your story? What is it that made you the person you are today? Who are you and why are you here? What is your purpose? What do you wish you were doing? These questions roll and toss around inside my head, but I haven't given them voice, yet.

I want to be the kind of person that gives you space to tell your own story. I want to provide an exception to this quote. Part of this is my love for stories, the other part stems from my personality: I have a strong desire to overcome obstacles and constraints. Don't tell me something is impossible, because I will try to prove you wrong. There is something invigorating for me about struggling for something and achieving it, making the reward that much sweeter. This quote is just a constraint for me to break. There are few occasions for people to tell their stories? Then I will give them occasions. I will give them chances. I will give them spaces to be heard.

Last week, Jake and I talked about something similar to this. We were talking about life when he said, "I think the first episode of my life ended when I was diagnosed with cancer." Then he asked me how I would divide up the episodes of my life. The question caught me off guard, but I enjoyed answering it. I found that the first episode of my life ended when we moved away from Santa Rosa. I loved seeing how we split up lives differently. Though we've grown up together, we don't see ourselves the same way and I love that diversity!

I was telling him about how compelled I was by this question, "but I haven't asked anyone yet." I've been tempted; I've thought about it. But the words just haven't come out yet. So we turned it into a game: first person to ask someone else what their story is wins "a prize" (which will probably be merely mild gloating rights. It's not the prize that makes it fun; it's knowing that someone else is doing it too.). Jake was all, "I'm going to ask someone tomorrow... No, I'm going to ask someone right after I get off the phone!" "Whoa whoa, that's not fair!" I protested, "I'm going to sleep after this!" (Secretly, I also think it's not fair that he has such a large pool of people to pull from being at college, while I study locked up in my room all day!)

I get the feeling that this will become much more than just a game and it won't end with one story r two stories. (Hence the "Part 1" in the title of this post!) I see us collecting a multitude of stories like little puzzle pieces--fragments of a larger story that is begging to be told.

Back from the Mountain

A 15-passenger van packed with estrogen and chocolate parrallels the undulating yellow line up the mountain as we head up to the cabin Friday afternoon. Ahead of us, the suburban filled with our gear is forced to run over a prostrate construction cone. Except the cone never comes out the other side! Instead, the suburban drags the trapped construction cone halfway up the mountain! Several miles later when it finally flew out from underneath the suburban, Katie swerved to the side of the road, parked the van, and rescued the cone! Every time we passed construction workers after that, she yelled to the back, "Hide the cone!" We brought the cone all the way up and back down the mountain to keep as a memento for the trip.

Before dinner, 15 girls and 5 staffers gather around the table to say grace. Caroline leads us in the doxology

Praise God from whom all blessings flow,

Praise Him all creatures here below,

Praise God above ye heavenly hosts,

Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.

Everyone gets it the second time around. For two minutes, the cabin is filled with what sounds like a chorus of angels. Have I just glimpsed heaven on earth? I don't know, but I wish it would keep going.

Ten minutes before teaching time, I meet upstairs with Katie to pray and go over my notes. My stomach churns with nervousness, but as soon as I start speaking, the feeling melts into the natural rhythm of speaking stories, truth, and Scripture.

How many people does it take to make the DVD player work? 6 and the owner on speakerphone. (One person for each of the remotes!) But playing Disney Scene It was worth the twenty minutes of trouble.

In the basement with the Freshmen, we play cards before bed--B.S., Kemps, and Bartog. During Kemps, while the other pairs are at opposite ends of the room, Raquel and I lean forward to whisper what our secret sign is. "No, come closer," I whisper. She leans forward. "I DON'T MAKE DEALS WITH PEASANTS!" I laugh to myself, but she doesn't get the Emperor's New Groove reference. I make a mental note to bring the movie to our Freshmen sleepover.

I sit in a sketch diner late at night watching the girls file one by one out the door. It's over. I am filled with an overwhelming burden. "It's over." Echoes again and again in my head. "We didn't do enough. We could have done so much more..." 
"Misha, it's 7:15." Mikayla gently wakes me up. For a single, disorienting moment, I cannot recall where I am. It hits me! It's morning! The retreat is not over! We still have 8 hours left!

I read Psalm 16 before the other freshmen wake up:

I will praise the Lord, who counsels me;

even at night my heart instructs me.

I keep my eyes always on the Lord.

With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken.

Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;

my body also will rest secure,

because you will not abandon me to the realm of the dead,

nor will you let your faithful one see decay.

You make known to me the path of life;

you will fill me with joy in your presence,

with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

I pray for the same kind of delight that the psalmist takes in the Lord. It occurs to me that I could memorize this passage, but for some reason, I don't.

"Misha, I have to be somewhere in twenty minutes and I haven't showered in three days!" Katie frantically tells me as teaching session 2 begins. The girls start whispering, "What?" "Where does she have to go?" Katie says she has an idea that will solve the problem though. She pulls out some snazzy mardigras beads and layers them on. She pulls out a hat and sunglasses. "If I just distract them, they won't notice it!" "Well, what about the smell?" I ask. "Good point!" She pulls out some perfume and sprays it all over. "It'll be great!" She says smiling and she goes and sits down. We explain to the girls that when it comes to emotions, you can't just cover them up with more stuff; you need to address the root cause of them to find healing. For an hour, words fly out of my mouth. Sometimes I don't know where they come from, but I know what I am supposed to say. I close with this story:

Next spring, I am graduating from college and surrounding this event, there is a lot of fear for me. Especially the question, "What am I going to do?" I have studied the last fourteen years of my life! What will I do when I have nothing to study anymore? I felt a sense of aimlessness and purposelessness that stemmed from this fear, because I didn't know what I would do after school. As I was praying about it, I realized I found too much of my identity/purpose in my education and I didn't actually believe that God had a plan for me after my education. By focusing on one aspect of my life, I ignored a whole realm of possibilities that God had in mind for my future. One I realized what I believed about myself and God's plan for my life, I could replace it with the truth found in Scripture: 1) My identity is in Christ (not in my academics, or my performance, or anything I do) and 2) God does have a plan for my life; I just need to trust Him when I get there. And in doing this, I was able to release that fear. 

(In case you haven't noticed by now, this is my personal application of the REED acronym I introduced here.) I can feel my heart racing and the color rising in my cheeks, passions astir in my chest. When I am finished, I sit down and take a breather, exhausted but satisfied. All of a sudden, I am not in the mood for talking, so I just listen to the chatter of the other girls.

My wishes for warmer clothes diminish as we step into the warmth of the cookie cabin. The bubble of our voices fill the cramped space with laughter. The freshmen decide to go in on a pizza together. I grab some tea and listen to them chat back and forth, telling their stories and laughing. The room is warm and we shed our jackets for the time being, but when it's time to leave, we bundle up again and head back up the hill to leave for Tucson.

After arrival and unloading, Colleen approaches me, "Misha, you did a really great job this weekend." she says. She tells me that I looked so natural up in front of the girls, "I really think you have a niche in teaching." I smile, a warm satisfied feeling growing in my stomach. I did it! A niggling thought occurs to me, "Maybe teaching is one of my spiritual gifts..." Definitely something to pray about.

Cartwheels and Stats

cumulative word count: 12,000+
days until I see Jake: 10!
hours spent on the phone with Jake: 8 hr 36 min (that's kind of embarrassing)
tough Days this week: 3
feeling: exhausted
brain capacity: 65%
reading: "The Yellow Woman" by Leslie Marmon Silko
writing: Feminist criticism on TYW and Sigmund Freud
learning: that I can do a cartwheel!
nervous about: teaching this weekend
highlight: decaf coffee from Starbucks


Weekly Update:

This weekend is CCC's girl's retreat! Any moment now, we will be heading up the mountain for a day and a half of food, fun, and precious precious girl time! The thing I am most excited and most nervous about is--I will be teaching during the devotion time!! Our theme is "Controlling Emotions" and I typed up my notes this week with pretty pink fonts and everything. It's kind of amazing: I was never a girly-girl when I was younger; now I really like the dresses and frills and nail polish and pink/purple combinations! I am hoping to post a recap of the retreat later this weekend.

On Wednesday, I learned that I know how to do a cartwheel! This may not seem like huge news, but really, it is. For the longest time, I was convinced I couldn't do it (probably because the last time I tried, I made a complete fool of myself). But Wednesday, Katie was practicing and she said, "You do it, Misha!" So, I tried and I didn't feel like I did that well, so I just stopped. Later after Katie made valiant attempt after attempt, I said, "Notice how I haven't done it since the first time?" And she said, "Yeah, but you did it right the first time!"

"I did?"

In that moment a whole dawn of unrealized childhood dreams illuminated my face with angelic brightness, "I did!" So I tried another cartwheel. I swear, it is like magic. And addiction. Addicting magic! I feel like I have some kind of super-power now and this weekend you can be assured that I will be shouting from the Mountaintop, "I CAN DO A CARTWHEEL!"

I Can't Learn Language

Originally, I titled this post, "Think Positive Thoughts" but I thought it was a little too generic because I post pretty frequently about the importance of positive thinking already.

My mom was telling me that when you're not good at something, you shouldn't confine yourself to a label, "Oh, I'm not good at X." Instead, you need to take something else that is compelling to you and associate them. For example, a boy says he's not good at math, but he loves basketball and has a mind for the statistics. Basketball stats are math! Or, to bring it a little closer to home, Cameron HATES math, but he loves Legos! And if you think about it, Legos are also math! By associating the difficult subject with something you enjoy you eliminate the obstacles that your mind creates when you say, "I'm not good at that."

Confession: I am not gifted in language.

I am an exemplary student in almost all other regards. I have straight A's in all my classes right now and I am about to graduate from college! Academically, I am pretty well-set. But I struggle with learning new languages. I think there are a few things factoring into this. I got a very late start. I was interested in language, but never had the consistency to stick with one. For my highschool requirements, I fudged my way through Latin. I didn't even learn a "real" language!! I "learned" a dead one! To make matters worse, I didn't even do the final exam in my second year.

But when I heard this new spin on the old "think positive," the wheels in my head started turning. I wonder if I could do the same thing with learning a language! I don't like learning language, but I love art and writing! Maybe I could try my hand at writing stories or poetry or journaling in a foreign language. Or maybe I could incorporate it into my art! A new world of possibilities has now entertained my imagination. Now by this time next year, I will be completely fluent in French! ;) Or maybe something else, who knows?

Priorities

Last week, I rearranged my priorities using a convenient little chart I learned in one of CollegePlus's Signature Leadership Courses. It looks a little something like this:

As you can see, the two planes represent urgency and importance of priorities and tasks. There are things that are both urgent and important; urgent but not important, important but not urgent, and neither urgent nor important. Defining these categories really helped me see where to focus my energy.

Things like school and work made my "urgent and important" list. Things like family and talking on the phone with Jake made my "important but not urgent" category. And then there were some things like meeting Inksanity goals, NaNoWriMo, and socializing that were in the "less important" categories. Not that these last few items are bad things- in fact some of them have held greater importance for me in the past. But for right now, I need to narrow down my focus so I don't go crazy.

For those those things in the "urgent but not important" list (typically pressing matters that demand your attention even if they are not important to you personally), Dr. Meyers recommended setting a definite time limit for those tasks. Don't strive for the best blog post you can write; instead strive for the best post you can write in twenty minutes. See the difference? By setting a time limit, you can accomplish those tasks without worrying about the finer details.

I've been thinking about the Leadership Courses a lot lately. One girl from the Capstone event texted me the other day to say hello and catch up. We had a great conversation about what God has been doing in our lives since the three day event in Estes Park. It was refreshing to informally review the course concepts with one of my peers. I realized that I could be practicing the course concepts a lot more than I have been, especially with the unique opportunity I have to mentor the freshmen girls at CCC. Honestly, good leadership--servant leadership-- is something that must be practiced before it comes easily and it is something I could be actively practicing more. I've been meaning to reread Cultivate, one of the books we read for the course, for quite some time now. Maybe I just need to dust it off my shelf and dive in!

Misha's Short Stories

In which Misha talks about two of her short stories, geeks out about narrative theory and unreliable narrators, and says "yay" a few too many times.

Enjoy my third Inksanity video!

Collaging with Katie

Katie is my mentee, or the girl I am mentoring. We started getting together for coffee back in April for an assignment in my Leadership Courses. The course is long over, but we still meet up on a regular basis (weekly or bi-weekly depending on schedules). I have enjoyed building my relationship with Katie so much! We have had some great talks! This morning, we decided to do a little something different: collaging with old magazines!

We were recently discussing the "Theory of Attraction" which basically says that our likes and dislikes are often influenced by our friends, but when we take the time to understand ourselves, we become more attractive people. Put differently, when you know what you are attracted to (and it doesn't necessarily have to be people) you become more attractive.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about individuality. Not because I'm going through an identity crisis or anything of the sort, but this topic has been cropping up a lot lately and it's very peculiar. My friends keep asking me about it. One girl, over coffee asked me if I thought it was important, "Oh yeah!" I think it is essential to figure out who you are, especially before you get involved with another person, or they will come to define you. Nicole was telling me last night, that she wants to focus on developing herself personally before she gets involved in a relationship. (For which I am SO proud of her!) Just this week, Jake was telling me on the phone that he really admired that I am an individual, and I don't let others determine my personality. I'm not sure why this keeps coming up, but I feel like it's important.

Friday Stats

Classes: 1/2 way point

Days until I see Jake: 18

How badly I miss him: pretty badly!

Brain capacity: 63%

Stress level: dangerous

Assignment quality: going down

Hours worked this week: 9+

Looking forward to: classes being over, hanging out with Nicole tonight!

Learning: how to control my emotions

Writing: Conference paper

Reading: Dora: A Case of Hysteria by Sigmund Freud

Favorite song: "Everything You Do" We is He

Needing: a break
Highlight: losing soccer to a 5 year old

Weekly Update:

I've spent the week sleeping late and recovering from the much-needed visit from Jake last weekend and am still trying to get back into the groove of things. I've been feeling really stressed out this week because my schedule has been so screwed up. Between easing back into everyday life without Jake (Man! That makes me so sad to type that), a few short notice appointments, and extra hours of work, the planner part of my brain has been freaking out. I've been studying at odd hours and I'm hitting the halfway point in this semester so school stress is escalating. I've noticed that in all my classes, hitting the halfway point has been met with an unwarranted amount of stress, so I've been skipping college group and home group to study at night. It's tough sometimes, but you do what you need to.

I've been finding it hard to stay positive, but that is not to say there aren't sweet moments. Jake is good at turning my thoughts toward positive things when he asks me about my highlight of the day. Highlights this week include: 3 phone calls with Jake, reconnecting with a friend from Capstone, core groups on Wednesday, and playing soccer with my favorite five-year-old friend! Tonight, I will be taking a break to catch up with my good friend Nicole over fast food or sushi. (Touch choice, right?) We haven't decided yet, but I am looking forward to it!

I hope wherever you're at, you are able to find some small gem in your day/week!

Controlling Your Emotions

This morning, at 8am, Rob texted me, "Can you meet me and Katie tart he church to talk about the girl's retreat?" Thankfully, I was awake and able to make it! even though it was short notice. Our theme for the girl's weekend (coming up in two weeks!) is "Emotions." Last week, Katie gave me a handout titled "Controlling Your a Emotions" and asked me to read it. So I did and this morning! we talked with Rob about how to divide up the teaching time for the weekend. I will probably tackle most of the teaching time because I am a better extemporaneous speaker. I'm a little nervous about that, since I am the youngest staff member, but I'm also really excited! I believe this is a topic that is really important to address with teenage girls.

Foundational to understanding our emotions is understanding that we are emotional beings created in the image of God. God expresses emotion all throughout Scripture. Because of sin, the door was opened for our emotions to control our beliefs and behaviors. The emotions themselves are notso NFL; rather, how we respond to these emotions that is important. Emotions (even negative ones) can actually be really positive when they inspire us to make changes in our lives, seek help, or turn our hearts to God. Oftentimes, they communicate a truth to us about our underlying thoughts and behaviors toward ourselves, our circumstances, and towards God. Katie's material provided a nice little acronym to use as a framework for understanding them: REED

Recognize your emotions. Acknowledge them instead of ignoring them.

Express them to God, because he cares about how we feel.

Evaluate what our emotions are telling us and ask God what wrong beliefs or thoughts are fueling them.

Decide to replace wrong thinking or behavior with God's truth. Once you have identified wrong thoughts or beliefs, you must replace them with truth founded in Scripture.

Obviously, this is a very simplified model. It's not a "quick fix" to understanding yourself, but it is a good starting framework for these kinds of discussions. I'll admit I wish I'd had these tools when I was going through highschool; I really struggled in this area, mainly because I just didn't know how to express myself. I buried emotions or sought release through art (which is not necessarily a bad thing) but didn't deal with them. Several of the many battles Christian and I fought related to my inability to express myself. Fortunately, I am getting much better at it. I like that the lesson discusses handling emotions within the context of examining our theology and our beliefs about God. It helped me make sense of a few past experiences in new ways. (I'd give a more specific example, but this post is already getting long.) I am very excited for the weekend and look forward to see God working among the girls' hearts!

Performing My Civic Duty

I voted for the first time this week! It was just the city elections, but still kind of exciting. I feel concurrently old and young at the same time, old because I'm voting!!! And young because my friends who are older than me have already voted several times. The whole process reminded me very much of my experiences with YMCA's Youth and Government program, which I attended in 2010 and 2012. The program definitely changed the way I view policy and helped me come to a greater understanding of it. I'm not about to become the next politician, but I am definitely grateful for the experience Y&G afforded me and my first voting experience was a positive one.

Surprise Weekend Visit!

Here are the Stats for the week:

words written: 3370 ish
months together with Jake!: 8
tiredness: Danger Zone
reading: Country of My Skull by Antjie Krog
feeling: loved and in love
learning: to embrace spontaneity
highlight of the week: Jake's surprise visit!
texts sent over the weekend: less than 10

Jake surprised me for a visit this weekend!!! I was SO surprised! Jake hardly texted me all day Friday, which I was a little disappointed about, but I tried to be understanding because he was hanging out with his friends in this haunted valley that didn't have any service. I had just reached the realization that he probably wasn't going to talk to me before I went to bed that night, which also added to the disappointment. That evening, the fam went to the park--the boys played ultimate frisbee with the college kids and I walked around the track with my mom. When we finished walking, we watched frisbee for a little while, but it was so cold sitting on the bleachers. The game was tied 3-3 (out of eleven) and it was pretty evenly matched, so Mom and I decided to go to Eegees for bacon ranch fries.

On the way to Eegees, Jake calls me on the phone. "Hello???" Surprised that he is able to call me from a place where he allegedly has no service, a dozen questions fly out of my mouth--particularly "Wait, where are you again?" and "Are your friends okay with you ignoring them to talk to me?" He tried to explain the valley several times, but I felt more confused than ever. "Is this a bad time?" he asks. "No no no. Me and mom are at Eegees right now, but I can talk! I can talk!" I was so desperate to talk to him, though he was trying to wave me off. "Well, I can let you go..." he offers. "No no, it's fine. Really." I ask him another question."Tell me about your day first," he says, "because I have a lot to tell you." In my head, I am mentally calculating how much time we have to talk. "Well, we're getting fries right now, and I might have to take an intermission real quick so we can go pick up Dad and Cam at the park." "Intermission? Sounds great." Click. I practically yelled into the phone, "No no no, I didn't mean now-- don't hang up!" But it was too late. I was about to fire a hasty text to him when...

He walked into the door of Eegees: "Surprise!!" It took me about five seconds to register that it was really him. I cried. I definitely cried like a baby. And there was no intermediate laughing stage--I just zipped straight to crying my eyes out for like ten minutes. Then it took another ten minutes for the shock to wear off. I could hardly fathom that he was sitting there next to me, holding my hand, when he was supposed to be in a haunted valley in San Diego all day. I was so emotionally compromised, it wasn't even fair. But all is forgiven. I went out to breakfast with his family this morning, we spent all day at the park, and dinner with my family this evening. It's been so refreshing to re-charge. If I think about it too much, it doesn't feel like enough time--barely 36 hours and life returns to regular routines on Monday morning. But in my heart, I know that it is enough. Just enough time to get us to Thanksgiving.

Guys, not even kidding--I love this guy so much. <3