Back from the Mountain

A 15-passenger van packed with estrogen and chocolate parrallels the undulating yellow line up the mountain as we head up to the cabin Friday afternoon. Ahead of us, the suburban filled with our gear is forced to run over a prostrate construction cone. Except the cone never comes out the other side! Instead, the suburban drags the trapped construction cone halfway up the mountain! Several miles later when it finally flew out from underneath the suburban, Katie swerved to the side of the road, parked the van, and rescued the cone! Every time we passed construction workers after that, she yelled to the back, "Hide the cone!" We brought the cone all the way up and back down the mountain to keep as a memento for the trip.

Before dinner, 15 girls and 5 staffers gather around the table to say grace. Caroline leads us in the doxology

Praise God from whom all blessings flow,

Praise Him all creatures here below,

Praise God above ye heavenly hosts,

Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.

Everyone gets it the second time around. For two minutes, the cabin is filled with what sounds like a chorus of angels. Have I just glimpsed heaven on earth? I don't know, but I wish it would keep going.

Ten minutes before teaching time, I meet upstairs with Katie to pray and go over my notes. My stomach churns with nervousness, but as soon as I start speaking, the feeling melts into the natural rhythm of speaking stories, truth, and Scripture.

How many people does it take to make the DVD player work? 6 and the owner on speakerphone. (One person for each of the remotes!) But playing Disney Scene It was worth the twenty minutes of trouble.

In the basement with the Freshmen, we play cards before bed--B.S., Kemps, and Bartog. During Kemps, while the other pairs are at opposite ends of the room, Raquel and I lean forward to whisper what our secret sign is. "No, come closer," I whisper. She leans forward. "I DON'T MAKE DEALS WITH PEASANTS!" I laugh to myself, but she doesn't get the Emperor's New Groove reference. I make a mental note to bring the movie to our Freshmen sleepover.

I sit in a sketch diner late at night watching the girls file one by one out the door. It's over. I am filled with an overwhelming burden. "It's over." Echoes again and again in my head. "We didn't do enough. We could have done so much more..." 
"Misha, it's 7:15." Mikayla gently wakes me up. For a single, disorienting moment, I cannot recall where I am. It hits me! It's morning! The retreat is not over! We still have 8 hours left!

I read Psalm 16 before the other freshmen wake up:

I will praise the Lord, who counsels me;

even at night my heart instructs me.

I keep my eyes always on the Lord.

With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken.

Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;

my body also will rest secure,

because you will not abandon me to the realm of the dead,

nor will you let your faithful one see decay.

You make known to me the path of life;

you will fill me with joy in your presence,

with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

I pray for the same kind of delight that the psalmist takes in the Lord. It occurs to me that I could memorize this passage, but for some reason, I don't.

"Misha, I have to be somewhere in twenty minutes and I haven't showered in three days!" Katie frantically tells me as teaching session 2 begins. The girls start whispering, "What?" "Where does she have to go?" Katie says she has an idea that will solve the problem though. She pulls out some snazzy mardigras beads and layers them on. She pulls out a hat and sunglasses. "If I just distract them, they won't notice it!" "Well, what about the smell?" I ask. "Good point!" She pulls out some perfume and sprays it all over. "It'll be great!" She says smiling and she goes and sits down. We explain to the girls that when it comes to emotions, you can't just cover them up with more stuff; you need to address the root cause of them to find healing. For an hour, words fly out of my mouth. Sometimes I don't know where they come from, but I know what I am supposed to say. I close with this story:

Next spring, I am graduating from college and surrounding this event, there is a lot of fear for me. Especially the question, "What am I going to do?" I have studied the last fourteen years of my life! What will I do when I have nothing to study anymore? I felt a sense of aimlessness and purposelessness that stemmed from this fear, because I didn't know what I would do after school. As I was praying about it, I realized I found too much of my identity/purpose in my education and I didn't actually believe that God had a plan for me after my education. By focusing on one aspect of my life, I ignored a whole realm of possibilities that God had in mind for my future. One I realized what I believed about myself and God's plan for my life, I could replace it with the truth found in Scripture: 1) My identity is in Christ (not in my academics, or my performance, or anything I do) and 2) God does have a plan for my life; I just need to trust Him when I get there. And in doing this, I was able to release that fear. 

(In case you haven't noticed by now, this is my personal application of the REED acronym I introduced here.) I can feel my heart racing and the color rising in my cheeks, passions astir in my chest. When I am finished, I sit down and take a breather, exhausted but satisfied. All of a sudden, I am not in the mood for talking, so I just listen to the chatter of the other girls.

My wishes for warmer clothes diminish as we step into the warmth of the cookie cabin. The bubble of our voices fill the cramped space with laughter. The freshmen decide to go in on a pizza together. I grab some tea and listen to them chat back and forth, telling their stories and laughing. The room is warm and we shed our jackets for the time being, but when it's time to leave, we bundle up again and head back up the hill to leave for Tucson.

After arrival and unloading, Colleen approaches me, "Misha, you did a really great job this weekend." she says. She tells me that I looked so natural up in front of the girls, "I really think you have a niche in teaching." I smile, a warm satisfied feeling growing in my stomach. I did it! A niggling thought occurs to me, "Maybe teaching is one of my spiritual gifts..." Definitely something to pray about.