Small Steps of Faith

Used under CC0 license via Unsplash

Adrenalin rushing and heart pounding, I considered a radically different future than all my carefully structured plans could ever paint. Why? In a word, a book. Over the weekend, I finally finished reading David Platt's book Radical. The subtitle, "taking back your faith from the American dream" expresses Platt's examination of how the iconic concept of the "American Dream" has distorted and diluted the gospel message. Honing in on the command of the Great Commission, "Go and make disciples of all nations" (Matthew 20), Platt proposes that Biblical Christianity is much more radical than we've made it out to be in American culture. As I read, this book challenged me to re-think my mindset about my future and role in global mission work. The text convicted me to move but I didn't know where or how. Overwhelmed by the magnitude of the (im)possibilities before me, I began with one tiny step--reaching out. Indeed, there was an email collecting virtual dust in my inbox with two missions-related resources: Brad Voeller's contact info, and a link to GoCorps.org. 

How Facebook Feeds Discontentment

Lately, I've been really convicted by the discontentment and jealousy I harbor in my life. I found myself scrolling through the news-feed on Facebook and envying the experiences of others. So-and-so went to Argentina! I wish I could travel. Or seeing all the girls dolled up for prom- I wish we had had a prom in high school. Or the engagements and wedding photos! I wish I was closer to that stage of life. Seeing the pictures and trips and job promotions and funny stories of my friends just made me want things that I didn't have...right now.

There are some things that just cannot be (prom for example), but many other things that can be had in time. It is these things (travel, careers, marriage etc.) that cause me the most heartache for they are the earnest desires of my heart but I remain in a constant state of waiting and looking forward. I've always been looking forward. Things will be better when.... I'm older. I'm graduated from college. I'm living on my own. I have a good job. I'm married. I have money. I can travel. Or even more recently--things will be better when my parents come home or Jake comes back. I have constantly told myself, If I can just get through this thing now, I can move on to the next thing. And then (subconsciously I thought), I'd be happy. But these are only empty promises I make to myself; and when I finally get to the next thing, there is always something else

I've also noticed that in my hunger to hear (other people's) stories (something Facebook makes accessible without the pressure of "real" human interaction--a rant for another day), I often lose sight of my own. It's easy to think my mundane existence in Tucson, Arizona is less exciting, less adventurous, less valuable or less insert-your-own-adjective-here because it is not something else. It's not a foreign exchange program in China, or a mission's trip to France. It's not wedding-planning or scoring great internships in preparation for my "dream job" or starting non-profits for good causes. It's pretty ordinary. There are some moments where I can be content with ordinary. But it's hard. And I can't do it if I'm constantly immersing myself in the details of other people's lives to the point where I am not living my own.

So, in a couple days, I'm going to take the summer off from Facebook. The blog will still be running, but I really  want to focus on being present and enjoying my life for what it is instead of resenting it for what it isn't.

The Formula for Life

No one says there is a formula to life. And yet, young people are inundated with very formulaic advice:
Go to college so you can get a good job. Do what you love. Follow your dreams. If you work hard, you can be anything you want to be. etc. etc. As if these mantras are the key(s) to success and happiness in life.

The end of my college career has brought with it the ambiguity and uncertainty of the unknown future, which is even more magnified by the constant and ever-pressing question of, "What's next?" Everyone wants to know! (Even complete strangers who find out I've recently graduated.) But what a lot of people don't realize is that their well-meaning small talk can put a lot of undue pressure on students who don't know what they want to do yet.

Lately, I've been so frustrated thinking about post-grad life and wrestling to answer this question, "what's next."There are so many possibilities, but a lifetime would never be enough time to taste them all. Should I pursue this? Or that? At what point should I choose skill (what I"m good at) over passion (what I love)? Is it okay to sacrifice some dreams? And if so, which ones? What kinds of dreams should be nonnegotiable? How do I know that my decisions now won't have a negative impact on my future?

I've noticed that there are a lot of invisible standards to live up to. Asking a graduate "What's next?", however well-intentioned, demands that he or she actually know what's next or have a goal or a career or a dream job that they're aiming for.

But it's hard to say, I don't know. 

It's hard to admit that just because you have a degree doesn't mean you have your life together (or even decently planned out). It's hard to tell people your tentative plans knowing they might sound unambitious. Why? Because everyone ëxpects great things"from me. And I don't know if they're being vague on purpose or if it's just the "right"thing to say. What great things do you expect? Yeah, it sounds encouraging in the golden, romantic glow of graduation, but afterward? Life is not so forgiving or easy to navigate as academia.

The formula is easy: grow up, go to college, work hard, get married, save money for retirement, start a family, keep working hard and you can relax in your old age happy and satisfied (and surrounded by loving grandchildren if you're lucky). But life is not math, my friends. It's messy. It's unpredictable. As I've been learning lately, it does not go according to plan. As a highly-organized self-proclaimed planner, that's hard for me. I want the security of having my life carefully mapped out, but Life does not like to be pinned down so easily. And you know what? I'm learning (slowly but surely) to be okay with that, whether it's 16 love letters left behind, or rescheduling the same coffee date 4 times, or simply trusting God with my career path.

Besides, I was never that good at math anyway.

Easter Reflections

Last Sunday, Pastor Kyle preached about the importance of telling your story (which is synonymous, he said, with the story of Christ) and he challenged everyone to tell their story to at least one person before Easter.

I didn't meet the challenge.

I wrestled with the question all week long. What is my story? Though I'd just written my autobiography, I wasn't sure if that was the same as my testimony. What was the significance of Christ in my life? I was 7 years old when I was saved.  I had no dramatic before and after picture of my life. No powerful story to tell. Perhaps you can tell I have struggled with this question for a long time.

Beautiful Things

I have a confession to make, lately, I've been floundering a little bit with a sense of aimlessness. When I wrote my autobiography for school, I was thinking a lot about purpose, particularly the journey of discovering my purpose. But when I looked back over the purpose statements I had written during my years of affiliation with CollegePlus (as a student, since I am now employed with them.), none of those statements resonated with me. My latest ideas, though not a written statement, toyed with the idea of helping girls understand their value. Maybe my purpose, I thought, is to use my struggle with self-esteem to help other girls going through the same thing. It seemed to fit, since I have the opportunity to mentor freshmen girls on Wednesday nights and helping out at the youth group is one of the most satisfying ministries I've had the pleasure to participate in.

And yet, something wasn't quite right.

At the back of my mind was the niggling thought that this wasn't it. I couldn't see myself advocating this message for years to come. I'm not the next "Beth Moore" or motivational speaker. I couldn't see myself devoting my life to this "cause." Of course it is a very worthy endeavor and there are so many girls who need to hear such a message, but just like God wasn't my Healer when I wanted to tell people about God being "the Ultimate Healer" (my very first purpose statement), somehow I didn't believe that talking about self-worth was my primary message. So what was it?

The truth is, I didn't really know. And when I finally realized this (literally in the last week), I freaked out a little. For a tiny moment, I felt so lost. What am I supposed to do?

Then today, over tea, I got a fresh perspective on it when a friend of mine asked the table, "What are you passionate about?" The question took a career-spin on it as people went around talking about what was most important to them--teaching, being a doctor, friends, Mom, history... Of course when it got through to me, I said, "I am passionate about art." That is a no-brainer, I've known that about myself for a long time. But as I kept talking about it, I realized that art was a narrow definition for what I am passionate about. It is so much more than art.

I am passionate about making beautiful things.

Art, yes. Writing, of course; that is my major after all. But it's also so much more than that. It's moments and memories and highlights and photographs and table settings and birthday cakes and interior design and conversations.

When I said, "It's so beautiful!!!" for probably the tenth time today, my dad pointed out, "That's been your catchphrase lately." I am drawn to beautiful things, and I think on some level everyone is. Why else do we have such an image-obsessed culture? But I think I am even more drawn to creating beautiful things and making the world around me a more beautiful place for myself and for others.

I may not change the world, ever. But you know what? I can help someone else see the world differently by making it more beautiful. And that is something my soul gets excited about! That is something I will do my entire life no matter where I end up in the world or how old I get. And that is what I believe my purpose is because I may not ever become a writer or an editor or a teacher or [insert whatever career here] but I will always be an artist and I will always love beautiful things.

Shine a Light on Slavery

Today is Shine a Light on Slavery Day. People all over the world are participating by drawing a red X on their hands to illuminate the fact that slavery still exists in the world today.

• 27 million people are in modern-day slavery across the world 
• 161 countries have been identified as affected by human trafficking
• The total yearly profits generated by the human trafficking industry amount to $32 billion 

The End It Movement is making its stand and raising awareness to end human slavery. Spread the word in the fight for freedom. 

Passion 2014!

The Passion Conference was absolutely stunning.

Highlights:

• the freedom to walk around wherever we wanted in downtown Houston (as long as we arrived on time)
• the Houston Police Chaplain escorting us through an underground tunnel that shot all the way across downtown
• jumping rope with complete strangers while we waited for doors to open
• a stadium full of 17,000+ college students praising God
• the worship team(s) created new, never-heard-before songs especially for the Passion Conference
• Hillsong
• listening to Louie Giglio, Francis Chan, Beth Moore, and Judah Smith speak
• "if you work on your character, no matter what happens [facing the unknown future and making big scary decisions about careers, opportunities, etc.], you won't waste your life"
• "where you stand has the power to determine where you walk, but where you walk will never determine where you stand"
• experiencing God's grace a whole new level
• "10,000 reasons" sung by more than 10,000 people
• praying for a homeless man on the street with my peers
• reviving the passion for Jesus Christ in my heart

The whole weekend was an incredible experience and I wish I could give more than a few fragments of it, but sometimes it feels so futile to use words. Truly, humility is being an English major without words, the very things I have staked thousands of dollars and hours of study upon and still, I am utterly speechless.

Succulents

Succulents

I am a succulent

Dying to be revived.

The earth crackles

Like old skin,

Split fingertips,

Until it

Bleeds.

Saturated clouds tease

Pregnant

Rumbling

Grey

Though never rain...

It tortures.

But thank God

That succulents

Were not made to die.

We're designed to thrive.

Lately, I felt a spiritual dryness that I couldn't shake. With the acquisition of a new definition of "sin" (á la winter camp: SIN - S - N = I ) my mistakes burdened me. But I tried too hard to "fix" them on my own, as if I had to be improved, or better, or making progress before I could approach God. In the meantime, I was not seeking Him. 

I was trying to save myself. 

I heard a segment on the radio with Brant Hansen that really hit home. He said, "Do you ever feel like you can't pray because it's been so long since you last talked to God? [yes] Or do you ever feel too guilty for what you've done that you couldn't possibly talk to God? [yes] Where he just feels far away and distant... [yes]" By this time, he had me all ears, "He's not. He's right there with you."

I think that even after we're saved, when we encounter trials and sin in our lives, in our human wisdom, we try to fix it, change it, improve the circumstances. And we forget that no matter how hard we try we still can't save ourselves. Thankfully, we don't have to--that's what Jesus did. So that for all our running, He can be right there with us when we are ready to come back to Him.

This poem began with my dryness, my thirst. But as I wrote it, I started thinking about trials. I don't think God created weak human beings. Humans are resilient, tenacious creatures and I think that even through trials and pain, we were designed to thrive in spite of adversity. Obviously, we cannot do it on our own, but with the help of the Holy Spirit, we can survive through great things and grow as a result.

"Succulents" by Ali Graney. Used under Creative Commons Attribution license.

Life After Art

I recently finished Matt Appling's Life After Art: What You Forgot about Faith after You Left the Art Room. It brought back so much nostalgia for me from my elementary school days! Ever since kindergarten, I loved art; it was always my favorite time of the week. Appling repaints these elementary school memories to illustrate his points about what we've forgotten about art and faith since leaving school.

Appling argues that all children are artists, we are all naturally born to create because we are made in God's image and God is a creator. The challenge however, is to remain an artist as you become an adult. He paints a picture of the epidemic of lost creativity that pervades society and a world without beauty. We live our lives with a "good enough" mentality, forsaking excellence and embracing low standards. We limit ourselves and fear failure. But when we overcome these things, we can "remember" the lessons we forgot after we left the art room and embrace our role as creators of beauty wherever we're at in our lives.

Final Thoughts: 

I really enjoyed the book, but I felt that it was not written for me; it was written for a very specific audience--adults who don't necessarily consider themselves "artistic" or "creative" and have experienced what it is like to be in an art room or art class. I think those who have never been in an art class/room (home-schoolers primarily) would have more trouble relating to the imagery Appling draws from to illustrate his points. The creative types (like myself) who pick up the book for its title may find that they already know and practice what Appling has to say about the significance of creativity in our lives and how it relates to our faith in God. 

Artists can definitely appreciate Appling's perspective on art, beauty, and faith in this world, but for us creatives, he's very much "preaching to the choir." But I'd recommend it to other Christians who want to gain a better understanding of the role of creativity in our lives.

Image Credit: Photo by LexnGer used under a Creative Commens attribution-noncommercial license.

Back from the Mountain

A 15-passenger van packed with estrogen and chocolate parrallels the undulating yellow line up the mountain as we head up to the cabin Friday afternoon. Ahead of us, the suburban filled with our gear is forced to run over a prostrate construction cone. Except the cone never comes out the other side! Instead, the suburban drags the trapped construction cone halfway up the mountain! Several miles later when it finally flew out from underneath the suburban, Katie swerved to the side of the road, parked the van, and rescued the cone! Every time we passed construction workers after that, she yelled to the back, "Hide the cone!" We brought the cone all the way up and back down the mountain to keep as a memento for the trip.

Before dinner, 15 girls and 5 staffers gather around the table to say grace. Caroline leads us in the doxology

Praise God from whom all blessings flow,

Praise Him all creatures here below,

Praise God above ye heavenly hosts,

Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.

Everyone gets it the second time around. For two minutes, the cabin is filled with what sounds like a chorus of angels. Have I just glimpsed heaven on earth? I don't know, but I wish it would keep going.

Ten minutes before teaching time, I meet upstairs with Katie to pray and go over my notes. My stomach churns with nervousness, but as soon as I start speaking, the feeling melts into the natural rhythm of speaking stories, truth, and Scripture.

How many people does it take to make the DVD player work? 6 and the owner on speakerphone. (One person for each of the remotes!) But playing Disney Scene It was worth the twenty minutes of trouble.

In the basement with the Freshmen, we play cards before bed--B.S., Kemps, and Bartog. During Kemps, while the other pairs are at opposite ends of the room, Raquel and I lean forward to whisper what our secret sign is. "No, come closer," I whisper. She leans forward. "I DON'T MAKE DEALS WITH PEASANTS!" I laugh to myself, but she doesn't get the Emperor's New Groove reference. I make a mental note to bring the movie to our Freshmen sleepover.

I sit in a sketch diner late at night watching the girls file one by one out the door. It's over. I am filled with an overwhelming burden. "It's over." Echoes again and again in my head. "We didn't do enough. We could have done so much more..." 
"Misha, it's 7:15." Mikayla gently wakes me up. For a single, disorienting moment, I cannot recall where I am. It hits me! It's morning! The retreat is not over! We still have 8 hours left!

I read Psalm 16 before the other freshmen wake up:

I will praise the Lord, who counsels me;

even at night my heart instructs me.

I keep my eyes always on the Lord.

With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken.

Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;

my body also will rest secure,

because you will not abandon me to the realm of the dead,

nor will you let your faithful one see decay.

You make known to me the path of life;

you will fill me with joy in your presence,

with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

I pray for the same kind of delight that the psalmist takes in the Lord. It occurs to me that I could memorize this passage, but for some reason, I don't.

"Misha, I have to be somewhere in twenty minutes and I haven't showered in three days!" Katie frantically tells me as teaching session 2 begins. The girls start whispering, "What?" "Where does she have to go?" Katie says she has an idea that will solve the problem though. She pulls out some snazzy mardigras beads and layers them on. She pulls out a hat and sunglasses. "If I just distract them, they won't notice it!" "Well, what about the smell?" I ask. "Good point!" She pulls out some perfume and sprays it all over. "It'll be great!" She says smiling and she goes and sits down. We explain to the girls that when it comes to emotions, you can't just cover them up with more stuff; you need to address the root cause of them to find healing. For an hour, words fly out of my mouth. Sometimes I don't know where they come from, but I know what I am supposed to say. I close with this story:

Next spring, I am graduating from college and surrounding this event, there is a lot of fear for me. Especially the question, "What am I going to do?" I have studied the last fourteen years of my life! What will I do when I have nothing to study anymore? I felt a sense of aimlessness and purposelessness that stemmed from this fear, because I didn't know what I would do after school. As I was praying about it, I realized I found too much of my identity/purpose in my education and I didn't actually believe that God had a plan for me after my education. By focusing on one aspect of my life, I ignored a whole realm of possibilities that God had in mind for my future. One I realized what I believed about myself and God's plan for my life, I could replace it with the truth found in Scripture: 1) My identity is in Christ (not in my academics, or my performance, or anything I do) and 2) God does have a plan for my life; I just need to trust Him when I get there. And in doing this, I was able to release that fear. 

(In case you haven't noticed by now, this is my personal application of the REED acronym I introduced here.) I can feel my heart racing and the color rising in my cheeks, passions astir in my chest. When I am finished, I sit down and take a breather, exhausted but satisfied. All of a sudden, I am not in the mood for talking, so I just listen to the chatter of the other girls.

My wishes for warmer clothes diminish as we step into the warmth of the cookie cabin. The bubble of our voices fill the cramped space with laughter. The freshmen decide to go in on a pizza together. I grab some tea and listen to them chat back and forth, telling their stories and laughing. The room is warm and we shed our jackets for the time being, but when it's time to leave, we bundle up again and head back up the hill to leave for Tucson.

After arrival and unloading, Colleen approaches me, "Misha, you did a really great job this weekend." she says. She tells me that I looked so natural up in front of the girls, "I really think you have a niche in teaching." I smile, a warm satisfied feeling growing in my stomach. I did it! A niggling thought occurs to me, "Maybe teaching is one of my spiritual gifts..." Definitely something to pray about.

Controlling Your Emotions

This morning, at 8am, Rob texted me, "Can you meet me and Katie tart he church to talk about the girl's retreat?" Thankfully, I was awake and able to make it! even though it was short notice. Our theme for the girl's weekend (coming up in two weeks!) is "Emotions." Last week, Katie gave me a handout titled "Controlling Your a Emotions" and asked me to read it. So I did and this morning! we talked with Rob about how to divide up the teaching time for the weekend. I will probably tackle most of the teaching time because I am a better extemporaneous speaker. I'm a little nervous about that, since I am the youngest staff member, but I'm also really excited! I believe this is a topic that is really important to address with teenage girls.

Foundational to understanding our emotions is understanding that we are emotional beings created in the image of God. God expresses emotion all throughout Scripture. Because of sin, the door was opened for our emotions to control our beliefs and behaviors. The emotions themselves are notso NFL; rather, how we respond to these emotions that is important. Emotions (even negative ones) can actually be really positive when they inspire us to make changes in our lives, seek help, or turn our hearts to God. Oftentimes, they communicate a truth to us about our underlying thoughts and behaviors toward ourselves, our circumstances, and towards God. Katie's material provided a nice little acronym to use as a framework for understanding them: REED

Recognize your emotions. Acknowledge them instead of ignoring them.

Express them to God, because he cares about how we feel.

Evaluate what our emotions are telling us and ask God what wrong beliefs or thoughts are fueling them.

Decide to replace wrong thinking or behavior with God's truth. Once you have identified wrong thoughts or beliefs, you must replace them with truth founded in Scripture.

Obviously, this is a very simplified model. It's not a "quick fix" to understanding yourself, but it is a good starting framework for these kinds of discussions. I'll admit I wish I'd had these tools when I was going through highschool; I really struggled in this area, mainly because I just didn't know how to express myself. I buried emotions or sought release through art (which is not necessarily a bad thing) but didn't deal with them. Several of the many battles Christian and I fought related to my inability to express myself. Fortunately, I am getting much better at it. I like that the lesson discusses handling emotions within the context of examining our theology and our beliefs about God. It helped me make sense of a few past experiences in new ways. (I'd give a more specific example, but this post is already getting long.) I am very excited for the weekend and look forward to see God working among the girls' hearts!

The Strangeness of Beauty

"We love you meesh!" Out of the blue, Jake's family shouts into the telephone and hang up. Two tears escape my control and slide down my cheeks. I've been really emotional this morning, and it's not because I watched Rom-Coms with Cameron last night. No, since Mom and Dad are away, I've had a lot of time for reflection this morning. Cameron sleeps late, so the house has been quiet--perfect for some early morning quiet time, a cup of tea in Mama's bed, walking the dog around the block, and thinking about art.

Ah, art.

This morning I was reading in the Psalms, and appreciating the poetry of it all. It turned my thoughts toward acts of worship, especially those acts that please God that are distinctly not corporate worship (Jake and I were just talking about this yesterday!). Now that I am "in college" (rather, out of high school and in this new stage of life that I'm not quite sure how to label), I am reexamining and forging my own beliefs. I don't think my faith has ever been challenged like this before. Now, I must decide, do I really believe this? And if I do, what do I do about it? Some things I've taken for granted; others I have taken for my own. I asked myself, what are the essential truths I believe about God/faith? What is most important to me? What truths are the most integral to my being?

One word came to mind: Purpose. (For the moment, we'll assume that faith in Christ as the only way of salvation is a given.) Some of the most meaningful revelations about God in my life have been about my purpose and identity. As I developed a greater understanding of who I was and what I was meant to do, my love for Him blossomed. I don't need to prove to you the significance of art in my life, for it will reveal itself in due time. But I believe it is inescapably tied to my purpose and identity. I find myself always returning to this beautiful medium; and even when I can’t make time for it, artistry still pervades my thought-life. I consider myself an artist, because I find life beautiful and brimming with meaning.

The title of this post coincides with the title of a book I just finished for school: The Strangeness of Beauty by Lydia Minatoya. In the story, three generations of women, American and Japanese, must overcome their differences and their past in order to live at peace in pre-World War II Japan. Upon reaching the end, I couldn't discern what it was that moved me so much about this story. For the assignment, I have to write about myo (roughly translated "the strangeness of beauty") which the main character Etsuko uses to describe a variety of concepts, ideas, experiences, and relationships in her world.

Then I stumbled upon a study question on The Norton Publishing website:

The Strangeness of Beauty may be seen as two interwoven tales: one a story of character, family, and culture; the other a meditation on how art—literary, visual, culinary, of professionals and amateurs, of kite makers and kimono weavers and housewives—informs and enriches our lives. At what point do these two tales intertwine and how do they culminate in the concept of myo?

I saw the relational story of Etsuko, Chie, and Hanae. I saw the concept of myo within those relationships. But I didn't see how much the book was shaped by the role of art. I realize now, this is what moved me so deeply about the story. It is the intersection of art and relationships--everything I've striven to be.

More to come on this topic. <3 comment-3--="">

The Main Event: Fields of Faith

I've found that even though I have officially graduated high school, I am being pulled back into it once again as I volunteer with CCC's youth ministry. Pastor Rob approached me over summer and asked me to come on staff with the freshmen girls. It's been challenging and I was nervous at first, but over the first month, I've grown to love my freshman girls. You'll probably hear much more about them over the coming year.

Every six weeks or so, Rob puts on what he calls, "The Main Event." What is the Main Event you ask? Why, it is exactly that--the Main Event. This event is shrouded in ministry for those who are not part of the elite, or haven't participated before. The Sunday previous, Rob announces it, encouraging all to come and find out what it's all about. The Main Event is generally a fun outing, in which Rob transports all the students to a remote location and hosts a fun activity off-campus. And it's different every time.

This October, our first Main Event took place at a local park for Fields of Faith hosted by Fellowship of Christian Athletes (FCA)

Here's their promo-video:

It was an awesome time of fellowship, worship, and prayer with the other Christian highschoolers of Tucson. At least three churches were represented and eleven schools! It was so encouraging to see so many young people gathered together in the name of Christ. I can always get excited about events that bring out city's youth together!

I think the biggest takeaway for me was to keep the Word fresh! I think this is something God has been bringing me back to a lot lately. At college group, Rob mentioned that when you grow up in Christian homes, sometimes we get bored of reading Scripture; it loses its freshness. He encouraged us to find ways to keep our faith fresh and new in our lives. It was spoken as a total afterthought, squeezing that little part in at the end when people are getting restless and itching to leave. But it hit me so hard. That same word came up again tonight--fresh. Exciting and new and different. Faith can't be just a routine.